Recently I was scheduling my summer flights to Ireland—something I always do many months in advance because visiting home isn't a casual weekend trip. While browsing dates, I instinctively blocked off the first few days for "catching up with everyone."
Then it hit me: I was planning to make the same mistake again.
Growing up in Ireland, every trip home feels like a reunion. Friends want to catch up, extended family expects visits, and that precious two-week window fills up fast. By the time I realize, my mum has gotten the scraps—the jet-lagged conversations, the in-between time between catching up with others.
On my last visit home, she finally said it: "You're here, but you're not really here with me." I realized she was right and I felt terrible. I'd been making her a "residual beneficiary" of my time—getting whatever was left after everyone else.
The Relationship Paradox
Research shows quality trumps quantity in relationships. Studies found that quality parent-child communication improves children's academic performance—while conversation quantity showed no direct effect. It's not about time spent, but how present we are.
Here's what's sobering: 12% of adults now report having no close friends—up from 3% in 1990. The number of people claiming 10+ close friends has plummeted from 33% to 13% in three decades. We're becoming relationship-poor in an age of digital abundance.
When Relationships Starve...
Unlike family relationships that persist through obligation, friendships require active maintenance. Eyal's research reveals that "friendships die—they starve to death."
Consider this: Up to 70% of close friendships dissolve after seven years. Ironically, we assume these relationships will survive, but without intentional nourishment, they wither away. One day you're friends and the next you know everything about them from social media but don't remember the last time you talked.
Harvard research shows those who schedule regular friend check-ins maintain significantly stronger bonds than those relying on "whenever life allows."
The ADHD Reality: "Out of Sight, Out of Mind"
For those of us with ADHD, maintaining relationships faces an extra hurdle: what experts call "object permanence" with people. Unlike neurotypical brains that naturally hold people in mind, we often forget about relationships when they're not physically present. My mom isn't just competing with my work and life, she's competing with my brain's tendency to forget she exists when I'm not looking at her contact card.
Scheduling becomes non-negotiable for us. Without calendar reminders, relationships disappear from our awareness. It's not that we care less—our brains need external systems to remember what matters.
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